There are some who have called George W. Bush the CEO President. Now I was thinking, I'm a citizen and I 'm a voter and that sort of makes me one of the member of the Board of Directors for the CEO President. So I was thinking to myself, If the United States were a corporation how might an imaginary conversation go between George Bush, CEO and the Chairman of the Board of Directors go if they were reviewing Bush’s performance over the last four years? I can imagine the conversation going something like this…
Chairman of the Board - Yes George, come in and please make yourself comfortable, glad you could take the time.
George W. Bush - Well thank you Bob and how are you doing?
COB - Oh, fine thanks, please sit down, can I get you something to drink, Scotch?
GWB - Oh ah … no thank you Bob … I appreciate it, but no thank you.
COB - Oh yes that's right, I forgot. Sorry about that George, you know we're all very proud of you on that score don't you. I'm sure you're a family appreciates it as well, good job! Anyway, you know why we're here and I don't have to tell you that the board members have been all over my ass about the state of the company and I wanted to talk to you before I address them.
I'm not going to pull any punches George, there's a large faction of the board that wants to replace you with some guy named, oh god what's his name Sherry, Harry, Perry something like that. He's seems sharp as a tack, I'm not going to kid you about that. Having said all that, I think if I can just get back to the rest of the board with some solid answers to their questions, this whole thing will just blow over and go away.
GWB - Well thank you sir.
COB - OK then let's get started. Shortly after you started, AmericaCorp got itself involved into a little controversy with ChinaCom, I'm sure you remember.
GWB - Sure do … that was a sticky situation.
COB -It seems that some of our latest avionic technology fell into their hands … is this true?
GWB - Well sir, yes regrettably. But we did manage to get it back and get our people back.
COB - And exactly how did you manage that? There are some on the board who are saying that you had to go groveling to ChinaCom. Is that true?
GWB - Grovel? Who said that, I never groveled and I never apologized, not … you know directly.
COB - Well what exactly did you do then how long did it take for you to get the plane back?
GWB - Oh …. about two months.
COB - Two months! You mean to tell me that one of our biggest rival corporations was able to spend two months with some of our most sophisticated technology and you couldn't do anything about it other than to say you're sorry?
GWB - Sir I never said I was sorry never said it, never, never, never. We did however have to pay ChinaCom $34,567. But that's a lot better than the million dollars they were demanding.
COB - OK so let me get this straight, one of our most sophisticated pieces of technology gets dumped in the lap of one of our fiercest competitors. We have to pay them 34 grand to get it back after they've had two months to go over the thing with a fine-tooth comb and you're in your telling me that that's an acceptable performance for the CEO of AmericaCorp?
GWB - But I never told them I was sorry.
COB - Yes well … let's move along shall we. So far, AmericaCorp has not turned a profit, what am I going to tell the board about that?
GWB - Well sir, we did pay a dividend in every year of my term. My management team is very proud of that.
COB - You mean to tell me that you paid a dividend in every year of your term despite the fact that you didn't turn a profit?
GWB - Yes and the Board of Directors loved it.
COB - Yes, I imagine they would, but that's not the point, do you really think it's prudent to be paying a dividend when you have to borrow money to do it?
GWB - Oh yes, absolutely. Debt is good, debt tightens the company and frankly we have been looking to scuttle those pension and health care benefits for the longest time and if we can finally get this company into a position we were where we are so broke we can't pay those benefits we might just be able to do it.
COB - So let me get this straight, you mean to tell me you're purposely trying to run the corporation into the ground to get out of paying health and pension benefits?
GWB - Yes sir!
COB - We better move along, let's talk about your performance and after the "incident" you know the attack. We want you to know that no one's blaming you, you know that, speaking for the board and myself, we we're all behind you 100%.
GWB - Yes sir, I understand, but Bob you and I both know if it wasn't for that fucked up hillbilly that was my predecessor, this thing never would've happened. He did nothing to try to prevent that attack … and he porked that fat chick in the executive office!
COB - Right where would we be in corporate America if we got rid of all the CEOs who are screwing around on their wives, and if anyone had a reason to screw around it was…oh never mind … now. But let's not worry about what he did or didn't do, tell me, what exactly did you do in response to that "incident"?
GWB - Well, what could I do, I had only been in charge for seven months, heck I was barely finished getting my office redecorated. But we did complete the takeover of AfghanCo by leveraging our air position and outsourcing the dirty work to the Northern Alliance group. We also managed to lay our hands on financing from a broad range of companies. FranCo, Germany inc. The Saudi Group and most of the companies that dad put together defend off a hostile takeover of KuwaitCo.
COB - Excellent that's great news and how are we doing the right now?
GWB - Couldn't be better, the production of poppies is up, we're shipping product, and we're making money hand over fist.
COB - Well I'm glad about that but frankly George the board is really concerned about the situation with Iraq Inc. There are many think you botched the job, first you go in with a low-ball bid and then you let outside groups come in and drive the price of the stock up. Sounds a lot like what Ross Johnson did in that RJR/Nabisco deal and look what happened to him. What do you have to say for yourself about that?
GWB - But that wasn't my fault, we all had the same prospectus, we all knew that that corporation was trouble; all we need is more financing and the resolve to stick to the plan that I laid out. The shareholders approved the deal.
COB - So when are you going to get this deal done, the board is not going to wait forever.
GWB - Bob we're going to work at this for as long as it takes.
COB - George, time is money we can't sit around waiting for some goofy plan of yours to try and take hold, we need to take action. What about FranCo and Germany Inc., can't you get any more offshore money in this deal? My god we offered the Turkey Group $12 billion to let us contract out some of their facilities and you couldn't get their cooperation.
This is the kind of thing that gives a lot of people on the board the idea that you just don’t have what it takes to negotiate these deals. I've got this Sherry guy coming in here…
GWB – Ah sir I think his name is Kerry
COB – Ah, yes, of course anyway he’s telling me he's going to get commitments from all these people. What am I supposed to tell the board? They just don't think the Iraq Inc. buyout is going well and frankly, I have to agree with them.
GWB - Bob, first of all it's not a buyout it's a joint venture. And I hardly think anyone else can get these people to commit resources to the Iraq venture, he's lying to you I tell you. We did everything we could to try to get FranCo, Germany inc., RussiaCom and all the other companies involved in the KuwaitCo deal in on the Iraq Inc. joint venture that they just wouldn't do it no matter what we did.
COB - George, look at what are you telling me? This is AmeriCo the largest corporation in the world, we have the most resources, the biggest workforce, and the best corporate warriors the world has ever seen and you're telling me that you can't get the job done? I don't want excuses; I want you to do what we've hired you to do. If you can't get these other companies to defray the cost of this joint venture then we have to get somebody who can, it's that sample.
GWB - But Bob that takes time and this is really hard work I mean really, really hard work, and we have to maintain our resolve. And Kerry is lying to you, he’s says he can negotiate with all these other companies but he can’t, I mean I tried, real hard and it’s just impossible.
COB - Impossible? Damn it George anyone can do the easy stuff. The board is not going to sit around waiting forever, we don't want excuses we want results. You told us we could get the deal with Iraq Inc. on the cheap, you said their management team would work with us once we were there, and that we would destroy their production capabilities so they could not mount a hostel takeover. We have FranCo, Germany inc., RussiaCom, and ChinaCom working against this on this deal, we are hemorrhaging money right left, losing good people in the process, and then we get a report saying that Iraq Inc. never had the ability to mount a hostel takeover of a chicken franchise let alone AmericaCorp?
GWB - Well we did get rid of the Iraq Inc. CEO.
COB - George, listen to me, $200 billion to get rid of the head of one company, and right now there's no production coming out of that place at all, zero, zip, nada. All you have is this goofy theory about transforming Iraq Inc. into a model for the rest the these companies to follow, is that what you want me to tell the board, that we spent $200 billion dollars on a theory. And frankly Iraq Inc. at this very moment is in danger of a hostile takeover by Insurgent Tech.
GWB - But Bob it takes time… what do you expect overnight results?
COB - Why yes, the thing is George we don't have time, the board wants results, they want them now, and they're leaning on me to make it happen. I can't go back to them and tell them that we're going to sink more resources into this deal you've got going on over there with no tangible results. George listen to me, there are many people on the board want to go with his Harry fellow, did you know he was a war hero, good-looking kid, great hair. Right now, we have a slight majority on the board to keep you in place but that could all change in the next couple of weeks.
GWB - Bob, you know me, you know what I'm all about, and you've watched me in this job for the last three and a half years. We are on the right track; I know we are, I know it and I feel it in my heart. You can't just go changing horses in the middle of this critical time in our company's history.
COB - George, let me tell you something about AmericaCorp. We don't take kindly to failure. You fuck up you pay the price. We don't want to hear excuses; we didn't hire you to piss off every corporation in the world. We didn't hire you to spend billions of dollars on joint ventures that will take decades to pan out; we need profits now. The board is angry and they're not going put up with continued losses. Either you fix it and do it before the end of this quarter or you're out.
If you can't do what it takes to get the job done we're going to get somebody else, we want results now, not next year, not in ten years, now! And we're not going to leave it to somebody who can even get the Turkey Group in on a simple joint venture let alone FranCo, Germany inc., RussiaCom, and ChinaCom. These piss ant companies should be eating out of our hands, instead they are chipping away at our profits. I simply cannot go to the board, with everything that's been going on, and tell them that your plan is to do more the same.
You're really making this very hard for me George. Look, I've a meeting in ten minutes with the board; I'm going to have to cut this off. I have to make my recommendation to the rest of the board tomorrow afternoon. I’ll give you call and tell you how it went.
GWB - Well thanks Bob, but I really have to tell you that I think that if you're going to leave everything up to this other guy you'll be very sorry.
COB - Right, let me think about it I'll talk you later.
[GWB leaves the office]
COB [on the phone] - Grace, get me the resume of that Perry fellow.
A Woman [on the phone] - Sir, do you mean Mr. Kerry?
COB [on the phone] - Yes, of course, Kerry, set up a breakfast meeting, I understand he likes waffles.